I've been doing a lot of thinking as of lately. Maybe i have too much time or maybe its that i'm beginning to regret a lot. Imagine I'm only 20 and i'm already regretting. Who knows what ill be like at 60.

It's amazing how much I've changed over time. It's amazing how jaded I've become. I can't even have a descent convo with anyone anymore. When i hear myself talk i wanna kill myself sometimes just because i sound so bad. If anything I know do damn much and am not able to do much of anything.

It's like I'm going nowhere. I barely have any friends to speak of. I don't even see the ones i have anymore. And its not like friends grow on trees. I can't be myself around people. And i'm too bloody scared to be judged. I get myself pumped up and put myself out there sometimes, and nothing happens, no1 says anything.

Is it just me or does everyone avoid me. They use me for convenience or so i feel anyway. I call some people but what do i say. I don't see them,, i don't know them anymore. We can talk random bs but wth is the point.

I feel disconnected. I want to get out, but i don't know where to go or what to do. I got in my car a day and went in the mall and sat down, ate a sandwich and just watched people pass by. I watched my friends pass by and not even say hi or wave for that matter. I just sat and brooded about everything and anything, over and over.

I think more than anything I'm the one whose screwed up. I think i judge myself too harshly or maybe not harshly enough. I keep myself at a distance because i'm afraid or just don't see anything there for me. The things i love are point less and the people i love are brushing me off like another leaf.

I'm 20 and feel like a 40yro who hasn't done anything. I am ignored, my ideas, my skill, if you would call them that. The best times if my life i can only remember bits and pieces of. The people from them have changed, they're total strangers to me. I can't even thing of what to say.

Everything seems to be going somewhere and all i can do is sit and watch. I'm not making a mark anywhere and being alone and by myself is starting to take its toll. Even with the people that are around me, i find myself doing more and more on my own with ever increasingly so little to be gained from it.

And for some reason, i find myslef crying while i write this......